Angry Missive to Men in General, #1

Whoo boy, this one ain’t gonna be pretty.

I got boy issues. The regular kind – regular for me, anyway. I fall in love with Guy, he instead decides to date someone so vapid, so needy, so unfathomably dull that I begin to question not only my value on the interpersonal marketplace, but also my place in this world.

Thing is, Vapid Needy Dullard also has a hot body. Of that, there is no denying. As for myself, I have an average-to-fat body, which I think looks perfectly fine and sexy, but which many men, particularly young ones like this guy, find about as appealing as a poo sandwich.

Because of this, you may think that what I’m about to say comes from the fact that I’m a bitter fat bitch who can’t get any. If you’re thinking that I just need to get the cake out of my mouth and shut the fuck up, then there’s not much I can do with that. And maybe you’re right. Maybe I am all of those things. But I do feel like someone finally needs to put it all out on the table. And I don’t care if you think I’m an asshole because of it.

What I’m talking about is the social situation that we all seemed to have conspired to make possible, where men – many, many men, gay or straight or whatever – feel it is their birthright to have only the most attractive sexual partners. That they not only are attracted to people who are insanely fit, with thick, shiny hair, very little fat, the ability to put one’s legs behind one’s head, and completely hairless junk, but that they feel like anything less than that is an affront to their human rights.

In my personal example, okay, the guy is attractive. But so what? That means he gets to eliminate 98% of the population because he talked his cock into having such pitiful response that it will only get hard if he knows other guys would be jealous of him? That’s some grade A stank bullshit right there. Fuck that.

There are probably men out there reading this, fuming with rage because they feel I’m being one-sided about the issue. That balding/fat/bespectacled/less than gorgeous men have it rough, too, and women are just as lookist as men.

Well, yeah, the one’s you’re trying to date are lookist. Because you feel it is your god-given right to date the hottest chick in the room, yeah, you’re gonna get rejected for being human. But I will say this: I have never rejected someone for being fat. I have no problem with bald guys. I love glasses. I am not looks-obsessed. But would you date me? Someone short, fat, with opinions about where to eat tonight and what movie to see? Someone who, when you tell a stupid joke that isn’t funny, refuses to act like you’re hilarious? Yeah, thought so.

Look, I know I’m coming off as a sputtering fucktwat. It’s not that I only blame men – like I say, we’ve all conspired to make this happen. We try to diet and plump up our boobs and do all that stupid shit – we could all decide not to, that we won’t play the game. and men could decide that having a good time with someone, and laughing and being close, is better than impressing The Guy Masses out there with how perky your girlfriend’s tits are, or how tiny she is. I don’t see that happening any time soon. Until then I just have to tell my Guy, and many other guys out there, to grow the fuck up already.